here’s a little sad story from a struggling mommy

bringing you back to 2018, way before my son was able to roam around freely. i went to my first trip to indonesia (bali, to be specific) as part of the hujan entourage (gittew) for soundrenaline. bare in mind that soundrenaline is only 18>, meaning that children were not allowed even backstage.

my son’s a pretty active person, even as a baby. he couldn’t stop wriggling his way out of the swaddle, and his limbs would be flailing everywhere. when he started crawling, he wouldn’t stay put – not even a second, unless its bedtime. he would play with a toy and move on to something else within a few minutes. that’s how active he is.

so by having to care for an infant of this nature, i couldn’t simply stay put in the hotel with a bored toddler in the room for 2 hours. of course, i contemplated at the thought of having to handle him all by myself while i play tourist in a town i was clearly not familiar with. i imagined myself having to use one hand to open the gb pockit while i carry him on the other- but you know what? i did it anyway.

i took a grab to the nearest mall (and i have no one else to thank but Allah for protecting me throughout my 2 grab rides). He blessed me with safety. the first grab rider was a pleasant man who had a kid he was very much in love with. he loved to sing. my grab ride home was equally pleasant, with the driver being a rather pious middle-aged man who kept warning me about eating non-halal food, considering the stalls all look halal-friendly. closing by to the hotel though, his phone died and he asked me for mine. i was honestly afraid and told him i could open my google maps from the back seat and verbally instruct him but like i said, Allah was definitely protecting me, and things ended up smooth-sailing (transport wise). i safely reached back at the hotel.

my story this time though is not about my grab rides nor is it about what songs i had to sing for the first grab driver. it was about my experience as a lone mother, handling her toddling infant who could barely stand up, as a tourist at an absolutely foreign place. it was honestly a terrible experience, now that i think about it.

hidayat was about 9 months if i’m not mistaken, at an age where he could eat solids. as i was window shopping at the mall, he didn’t want to stay put in the stroller. he cried and cried, and i had to pass him all the toys i had interchangeably, from my magic toy bag while i tried to keep myself distracted from feeling bummed up by how things were going. i bought a banana cake to feed myself with, but it wasn’t enough. i thought i should get myself a cup of coffee as it was also his snack time.

we parked over at a coffee shop and believe it or not, i had to leave him by himself at the stroller while i picked up our tray of food. it was a frightening 20 seconds, and i would never ever do it again.

i came back and tried my best to feed him while i fed myself. we hadn’t eaten our lunch because i had to wait until my husband was done, and sadly, a delay in the event had interfered with our lunch plans.

while i was struggling to eat and feed my kid while attempting to hold him still so that he would fall, being a persistent infant that he Still is, he insisted to stand up and lean by the window. no matter how many times i pulled him back to sit on my lap, he would find his way out of my arms and crawl over to the glass to lean on it as he looked out.

fine, i thought he’d be safe.

but i thought wrong.

just as i was about to take a bite out of my pie, HE ACCIDENTALLY LOST BALANCE AND FELL OFF THE BENCH, ALMOST HITTING THE FLOOR when out of a sudden, my mom powers manifested and i managed to swiftly catch him in time. i screamed in panic of course, but if i hadn’t used those mom powers, he would’ve landed flat on his face.

just a little additional note: the bench was quite a high one, it actually seemed like he was attempting a stage dive. hmm, must run in his blood.

i was already sad at the fact that he just didn’t want to stay put and that he fell, but i was even more upset when i looked up to see everyone at the coffee shop looking at me in abhorrence. it was as if i was the worst mom in the entire universe when in actual fact, i was trying my absolute best to bring balance by being both a good mom and a functioning human.

i hugged my son who was obviously crying and then i packed everything up, quickly tossed my pie into my bag, belted him onto the stroller and walked out of the shop, almost crying of embarrassment, disappointment and guilt all at the same time. i walked as fast as i could to find the washroom to calm him down because he was screaming his lungs out and also because he needed a nappy change.

i desperately looked for a nursing room to nurse him to sleep (because that’s usually what calms him down after a frightening experience, eg: vaccine injections, mommy suddenly not around for the past 1 minute, etc). it was also his naptime.

any mother would’ve thought: perfect, it’s his naptime, so from now onwards, this should be a breeze.

but— nope.

i eventually found the nursing room, yes (which was in actual fact just a small cubicle attached to the ladies room so we could hear women flushing and they could indefinitely hear his screeching cries). milky goodnighty though was NOT HAPPENING. of all the times my method could fail, it HAD to fail during such a crucial time, at a foreign place.

i was trying to calm him down. i tried everything i could, from getting him to drink, to rocking him sideways and gently patting him. nothing worked.

for a good hour and a half, i was crying alone in the nursing cubicle while my son was screaming his lungs out (non stop ya?). the women outside were knocking and asking if everything was alright, and i casually replied in english, ensuring them that it was all good, that i was fine and that my son had a tummy ache which was making it difficult for him to sleep.

so finally after that ferocious hour and a half, he fell asleep.

i laid him gently in the stroller (extremely carefully so as to not wake him up after all my effort), hands all worn out, wiped my tears away, washed my face, and finished my cold pie. at that point of time, i just wished i never left my hotel room.

so my point is, if you see a mom who looks like she’s just being irrationally fierce to her child or careless– just don’t judge.

moms are almost 24/7 on their tippy toes. you could ask any mother in the world, and i can guarantee you that 99% of them would share experiences, similar to mine. we care SO MUCH. we really do.

having to eat a cold pie with worn out hands and a sleeping baby with dried tear trails on his cheeks during a trip to the ever famous hub for tourists & newlyweds in indonesia, happens to be my mom story to tell. so be grateful to your mother. until you become a parent yourself, you’ll never be able to feel so grateful for your mother’s existence and for how well she has taken care of you for you to have become the person you are today- still alive and breathing. if you’re not a parent yet, i hope the story i just shared with you would make you understand a mother’s point of view and how much we love our child/ren, so you could dial your mother’s number up and tell her how much you love her too.

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i think i left you guys too long

i’m back, finally, to wipe the dust off this blog. haha! can’t believe it’s been so long! it’s finally 2020 and nope, we still don’t have flying cars around. we in fact, have a battle with a deadly virus going on at this very moment.

can’t believe i’m actually breathing through this whole invisible war. Godwilling i’ve been given the opportunity to live through this pandemic, i’d actually be one of them who’d live to tell the tale to our future generations! my kid would even be able to tell his children about this. feels like those american movies where the kid’s grandpa lived through world war ii, still happily living in his world war ii uniform.

what a sight it’d be.

anyway, i’m back to give my future-self some updates on what’s been happening! today i received an e-mail from spotify saying that haniandzue’s songs, racun & takkan bisa, are on the Women of Malaysia playlist! in all honesty, i felt like crying. what an honour, to be added into a playlist by spotify themselves, full of amazing talented malaysian women!

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*screams internally*

might not be a big deal for some of you, but it’s a pretty big deal for me as i produced both songs myself. i could honestly say that i feel proud of what i’ve achieved – tonnes of listeners or none, at least i’ve got a piano album done all by myself with the help of my duo partner who wrote and sing with me, an engineer who helped me with the recording, and an especially supportive husband who’s almost never exhausted from listening to me nag about when i insist the release date should be. Godbless ucop for his quick mixes too!

what piano album? this one!

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hope you guys would head over and listen to the piano rendition of our originals! i rearranged most of them so they’d sound different from the original tracks.

aside from that, i’ve got so many things planned and lined up for everyone this year! i’m collaborating with a super old bestfriend to release something new, and i’ve also been actively working on a few self-initiated animation projects.

may Allah ease, and may Allah ease everyone’s journey out there. my heart right now is especially with those who are struggling with the economical crisis we’re facing, and to the families who are in dire need of help :’-(

donate if you can because remember, RM2 may mean nothing to us, but i may mean a whole lot to so many families out there.

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one, two, three, four, five, six

can you believe it? my last post was back in january! it’s been seven months since i last posted, and i suppose that just goes to show how occupied i’ve been (mainly, with my little boy).

my boy has been very entertaining recently. i could say that he’s flourished and grown, well enough for me to at least be able to tend to myself for a good five minutes. throughout the past seven months, i’ve been doing trials and errors on disciplinary methods. i experimented with giving him time outs, repetitively saying ‘no’ when he does something wrong, distracting him, and the list goes on. i found that time outs and teaching him to say sorry after leaving him alone on the high chair or a corner for a good minute or two, works best. of course, i’d have to enforce time out repeatedly for me to actually see results.

in terms of my duo, we learned so much from so many parties! it’s our final year with our label and if i could say so, we would never be able to thank them enough for providing us with so many resources, producing songs and music videos, and getting us the deals we’ve gotten so far! may Allah bless them always, for their kind hearts, creativity & patience in handling two different temperaments.

as for my family? we’ve got a teeny lil addition now as my sister’s given birth! he’s only three months old now, and he’s the only one who’s on the fluffy side! simply irresistible. can’t seem to go a day without at least thinking of him.

we went to the UK & Paris in the month of march for a holiday, by the way. imagine. bringing a little toddler along for a vacation, without any help! yes, just as you imagined, at the mention of ‘vacation’ and ‘toddler’ in one sentence, it was indeed, chaotic! however, it was a manageable chaos. we found that he falls asleep easier during vacations since he uses up most of the energy he has from all the walking, exploring and analyzing. the struggle was more on keeping him confined to his stroller! feeding him any kind of food was a breeze, so therefore, alhamdulillah, it was actually a.. sort of.. educational, holiday, for all three of us.

we went over to singapore as well, and just as how it was back in the UK trip, confining  him to one spot was the only problem throughout! i guess i’m just blessed with an active one here.

let’s see how the next half of the year will go by. Godwilling, if He grants us time to keep on redeeming ourselves until then.

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january

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last kopek hxz 2018

on the 21st of december, we had a show at ATAS by bijanfx- a tiny showcase for those who really wanted to listen to our songs, a little sneakpeek for what to anticipate from us this 2019 ❤

wish you went? watch the fullset here:
https://youtu.be/lJMfrZM0-mw

 

photo credits to: http://instagram.com/nurulhudamr

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on the contrary,

approaching 2018 last year, things were somewhat different. on new year’s eve while waiting for the countdown on tv, my mind wasn’t as organized as how it is now. i could actually say that my organizing skills have improved dramatically, and i’ve got no one else to thank other than my own little flesh & blood.

on new year’s eve last year, we had a small gathering at my place where my husband and i’d invited our closest friends over. little boy was still only 3 months old- crying as much as he can, sleeping most of the time and struggling to stay asleep. my friend had a baby with her as well, and was sleeping soundly- happily, with a pacifier in his mouth; while mine, screaming if he hadn’t a boob in his.

it was serious business though, the boob-in-mouth-thing. seemed to be the only pacifier he ever needed. i bought all kinds of pacifier and they’d all ended up tossed aside.

so anyway. as i was watching the fireworks from the view of my veranda, i couldn’t help but wonder what was in for me for the year 2018. i was expecting it to be a year filled with challenges, and i mostly had imagined myself ending my day each day, all psychotic in the room with my baby crying nonstop.

little did i know, it all turned out very differently.


2018 has been a difficult year for me, but it mostly contributed to the growth of a new mother.

i remember last time, seeing a mother and her two kids at starbucks (they were uncontrollable, if i may add in). her kids were jumping around, laughing out loud, running, nonstop-action as if starbucks were an action movie set. i gazed over to the mother, wondering why she was just sitting down, sipping her coffee and staring blankly into space- she wasn’t even holding her phone, she was just sitting down, and, as i’d mentioned, staring blankly into space.

at that point of time, i only had a niece and nephew that i’d usually come home to play with, but that was it. i only took care of them as an aunt, and not as a mother. being a mother is a totally different world altogether.

the night after i’d given birth to my son, i had it difficult. it was as if Allah had wanted to tell me that motherhood is no longer about me being a mother, it’s about what He had given me, to take care of. it’s no longer me, it’s now all about my little one.

alhamdulillah, my son was brought out safely into this world in the evening, but that night he just couldn’t help himself from crying and screaming nonstop. he couldn’t do it- he couldn’t sleep alone, by himself, in a cot, like any other baby- bundled up and swaddled, regardless, he just couldn’t sleep alone.

i couldn’t get up to take him and when the nurse helped pass him to me, i couldn’t put him back into the cot alone. i spent the whole night (in which i should have spent resting), holding my baby in my arms, feeding him until he falls asleep, and lay him beside me, praying to Allah that i wouldn’t accidentally hit him/sleep on him. in fact, i didn’t sleep until it was 5am when the nurse had to take him for an injection and bathe him. later on, i slept until it was 8am and was woken up by the sound of him crying for my milk (and most probably my warmth).

up until today, it’s still a challenge to put him to sleep. he wouldn’t fall asleep by himself- and to think that he’s already 1 year 4 months. unlike most other babies, my son just couldn’t do it. there was a phase where he was able to be carried and sung to sleep, but after the eczema episode- he just got used to me feeding him to sleep.

trust me. i’ve tried all sleep-train methods, but none of them work.

for the first 11 months of his life, he wouldn’t stay asleep if no one held him, and he would only fall asleep if he was being fed to sleep, or if he was put in the swing. the moment he hit 11 months though, he successfully progressed to staying asleep alone. we could have him fall asleep in the car, or i would feed him to sleep, later on put him on the bed without him waking up.

when he was a baby, he did nothing but cry. cry, scream, and anything else representing a very unhappy/grumpy baby. i bought many books- how to sleep train baby, how to handle a difficult baby, how to this how to that- but none of them actually helped. what helped though, was one book called The Wonder Weeks, and yes, that book’s still helping me understand him better up till now (new mommies, i highly recommend it!).

it took me almost a year, to understand that at the end of the day, it falls back to how i look at things and how i deal with things coming my way. throughout the whole 2018, i thought too much about unnecessary things, i worried too much about his sleeping patterns and whether he was okay, not okay, i worried too much about trying to have him stay asleep while i run errands, while i tried to have a life myself. it was a struggle. definitely– but it’s true. with struggle, comes out a flower, sweetly scented and beautiful as ever.

so the year 2018 was basically a year of growth, perseverance and much understanding of what being a young mother is truly like. after i became a mother, i too, became a stronger woman. i now understand not to be too shy, too detailed and too meticulous about what i wanted. i learned to improve myself and i tried finding time to explore my artistic side. i spent a lot of time in the studio practising on both my playing/singing, i wrote a few more songs, i finally finished my portfolio & resume, i’m finally picking myself up again after two years of having to go through challenges. mashaaAllah.

to think these 2 years are incomparable to the hereafter. after all, dunia is temporary and what matters is the forever in hereafter.


my new year resolution is to become a better servant, and to find balance in trying to improve myself spiritually, to grow myself socially, to focus on the skills that i have, to do more charitable work, to work on my fitness so i could be more active and strong enough to cope with my actively ever growing son, to love more and to give more than take, and to show more appreciation to the people around me who have, still, and will be, sticking around.

may Allah ease everything.

ameen.

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happy sixty third, my rose

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