it matters

ever felt like you needed a big boost in your life?

i’ve been feeling that for the past few weeks. it’s been a while, and i realized that the past weeks of me feeling unhappy, down in the dumps and lazy was basically because of mood swings and purely mood swings.

i’m adapting. that’s basically it. being a married young lady isn’t easy. i’m not saying that i’m having things the easy way and that i’m whining like a little baby who’s got herself a candy, wanting a bigger candy instead. i’m saying that adapting has been difficult but of course, with all difficulty comes ease, no?

i haven’t gotten myself a full-time job and it’s not because i haven’t been applying around, it’s because i choose not to. i’ve my reasons. i’m one who analyzes my work thoroughly before i feel confident enough to submit it around to companies. i’ve got a whole lot of things cooked up in my portfolio, still cooking some and still thinking that they’re all not solid enough for me to be hired and trusted as a worker and a team player. that’s just how i am, but it’s bad.

i know, i’m not the only one who looks back at my artworks and go, “oh my god? this is hideous and ugly how did i ever come across such an awful idea?” because most of us encounter these moments in life- but.. i guess that’s what drives you to work harder and harder until you improve yourself, enough to have the confidence that you’ll be hired.

truth be told, deep down inside, i know i can do it. i know there would be some companies who’d view my works as ‘plentiful’ and ‘alright’ enough for them to suck me into their team. if not two, at least one company would probably be interested (i guess?) but i guess what’s holding me back is my past.

back in the early days of university, i used to ace. a lot. i’m not bragging, but i used to score 3.5 and above for every semester during foundation. sadly, i got distracted. during the early days of degree, i scored, i still did, but as time goes by i became more and more distracted by what i’m currently pursuing – hxz.

because i had to juggle with my schedule, i starting flopping. i had to rush after practise home to change, bathe, pick hani up and head over for practise, send her home or bring her along to cosans coffee to do our assignments together, send her to palam, run back to uni for classes, run back home to bathe and change my clothes before i take care of my niece before practise comes at night, stay over at uni right after practise until dawn, head over for classes, come back, go for practise, prep for an interview right after, and at the same time, finish my assignments in between.

from a 3.8 i fell to a total 2.95- and i’m not ashamed or embarrassed to admit my pointers, because i know where i went wrong and i’m hoping that this post would be a big reminder to those who are still studying, to never, ever, focus too much on two things at one go if you’re in a tough position.

that’s why it’s always important to listen to your parents. if your parents tell you that something’s distracting you, listen to them and quit what’s distracting you.

nevertheless. if not because of all the distraction, i wouldn’t have been able to perform at shows (big or small), met so many talented people, travelled around in malaysia for shows and understand the struggle of earning my own money with nothing but purely hardwork and skills. perhaps the pointer was a form of sacrifice for all the experience i’ve gained.

as you’ve read, i’ve been the type of girl who moves around everywhere. regardless of how exhausted i am, how hungry i may be and how much i cringe inside at the thought of having to get out of bed just to bathe and head to class, i’d enjoy it all at the end of the day.

now. being married, ag doesn’t restrict me from working. in fact, he’s really been encouraging me to have a fulltime job. says he has extra respect for the women who are independent enough to have their own career, walking around independently. probably like the lifestyle i was leading when he’s been talking to me before we got married  well until i have a portfolio that’s solid and until time tells, i’ll show you extra respect in other ways you’ll never be able to imagine, mister!

hmm. excuse this very ambitious wife.

anywho. staying at home isn’t easy either. being a housewife and freelancing isn’t as easy as how full-time workers think it is.

who says buying groceries, estimating how much to buy in a period of time that you may or may not be cooking, is easy? who says learning new recipes is easy? who says looking through clothes and identifying which can be thrown into the washing machine and which should be hand-washed, is easy? who says maintaining a whole house by yourself is easy? who says who says living with a cat after 23 years of living with no other pets aside from fishes in aquariums is easy?!

everyone’s got their tough ups and downs, their everyday challenges. some people get jobs easily but have transportation problems. some people get to stay in a big house with maids, but have little friends or none at all. some are having a flourishing business going on, with absolutely no time for their spouse and children. some are blessed with parents who are old but still alive and breathing, but with financial problems.

bottom line is, we’ve all got to adapt and yes, adapting’s the toughest part in life but that shouldn’t hold us up from doing what we should be doing, best. it shouldn’t be the barrier that separates us from nothing and something.

we gotta tolerate these challenges because at the end of the day, as cliché it may be, we’re all going to die.

so no point, all of us, being drama queens, sighing at the biggest (or smallest) problems we encounter, taking life so seriously. so long as we take care of our prayers, remember Him always, do kind, be just, and try to be as positive as we can throughout our whole life, because.. yeah. as morbid as it seems, it the end of the day, we’re all going to die.

we’re all going to return to Him and honestly, that’s actually what should matter to us most.

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