hikayat hidayatku iv: a push a-head

“pop bop!”

ag and i quickly looked at each other.

sayang kentut ka

i shook my head.

sayang rasa macam bunyi tu mai dari perut tapi la ni tak rasa apa apa?

we stared at each other’s faces for a good 10 seconds.

b tolong selak kein tengok kalau ada darah ka ayaq?

mm takdak apa..

anxiously, we waited for any signs of blood or water but even after a while, there was still, nothing.

the doctor came in and it was already 3pm. she took off the layers of my blanket and smiled.

“that’s something. you’re bleeding and wet. doesn’t look nice. looks like you’re verrrrry ready, and lets hope so. i’ll have my nurse clean you up first”

so that explains the popping and bopping.

so then two nurses came over to insert a catheter inside my you-know-what for me to pee through. in all honesty i felt the pressure.


i shook my head.

mesti la kan. kalau dah boleh rasa ni dah meraung jerit dah ni

i sighed. a midwife then came into the room and casually pushed her hand into my you-know-what, checking me. this time, i felt the pressure of her hand cupping onto something and shifting it left and right- simultaneously, seeing my whole lower body shift from left to right.

ni fully dilate dah ni! okay i panggil doctor because you’re ready for delivery”

then, the doctor came in again. all the nurses came into the room wearing paper aprons, and one of them even carried the doctor’s boots into the room.

wow. i did not know giving birth would look this serious.

note: bare in mind that throughout this whole delivery moment i have been resisting and breathing through the pain of 148-189 levelled contractions. in a way, Godbless epidural but the fact that i still felt as if i had none, was so surreal.

epidural or none, in all honesty, contractions were HELL intense.

the midwife came into the room and told me that in the early stages of pushing, she’s responsible in teaching me how (theoretically) since i couldn’t feel my legs. i told her the epidural wasn’t high enough, so i could actually feel contractions.

dan dan la pulak anaesthetist tu mai masuk bilik tu time tu?

“how’s your epi? is it working?”

i shook my head.

“its okay. nurse, just shut her epidural off. by the time she reaches the later stage she can already feel her contractions, which is better that way”

“uhm but doctor i’m already feeling it”

“even better!”

so they shut my epidural off, and right there and then, the contractions intensified.

still shivering to no end, i was taught to push 3 times for each lasting contractions, as hard as i could, and try my best to feel the pressure below.

i tried doing as i was told, and they said i wasn’t pushing well enough.

again, i tried my best and by then i could already feel the contractions happening at the lower-end of my tummy, closer to my you-know-what.

THE PAIN WAS SURREAL – but i knew that if everyone else could do it, so could i.

dah nampak rambut dah ni, come on puan sikit lagi

i pushed to no end, but i suppose it wasn’t as strong as i thought it could be. the midwife then got up and called my doctor in.

casually, she sat in position and said, “with every contraction, push the hardest you can”

after what seemed to be three or four pushes, i heard a casually “clack!” and saw a nurse, assisting her on the right hand, pulling a pair of scissors off of her.

i knew i was going to suffer during pantang, and right there and then i knew i would have to bleed so much more.

“final push ya, bismillahirrahmanirrahim”

i held onto the metal by the sides, took a deep breath in and recited nabi yunus’ prayer, a final go.

“deep breath in, 1, 2, 3, PUSH!”

everybody in the room screamed, some reminding me to feel it at my bottom, and push till i run out of breath. after a while of pushing in the same breath, i heard nothing but a highpitched “beeeeep” at the back of my head, as all the painful tragedies i went through, all the suffering i felt throughout my pregnancy flashed before my eyes.

i thought to myself: this is it, i can’t hear a thing, the pain is crucially severely painful, my you-know-what is damaged, i can’t feel my legs, i can’t feel my head, my breath’s running out..

zuliana. bismillah. Ash hadu’al lailahailallah-

when out if nowhere, i felt something slide out of me from below. automatically, i fell on my back when suddenly i felt a big thump on my stomach.

there he was, bloody and blue. everything was blurry, but i felt my hands run through his slimy hair before a midwife took him to the incubator for him to be cleaned up.

i closed my eyes, slowly regaining my hearing again and listened to the doctor talking to her nurses about how my stitches should be done as so, and why so, not the other way etc.

as they were stitching me up, i felt ag still gripping my hand. i turned to look at him, and he bent over to kiss my forehead.

“good job sayang”

i smiled, and in a few seconds i felt someone (apparently the midwife) casually pulling my hospital gown down, and a warm sensation on my chest.

i choked on my tears as i lifted my left hand to touch it.

there he was. our precious little hero, neatly tucked on my chest, underneath my hospital gown. he was red as ever, and warmer than my cold numb hands could ever feel.

ag and i, absolutely in love with him, were staring at him so closely, both kissing him in intervals, but both, quiet as ever.

bila b boleh azankan dia?

nak azankan dia?” the doctor quickly asked.

ag nodded his head.

azankanla kat situ pun boleh. lean in to his ear and azankan”

it was a moment, so mesmerizing. by then, baby had already opened his eyes.

indeed, Allah is truly the Almighty.

baby was already being bundled up in the incubator, and ag was already glued to the machine, hands and eyes already stuck to the baby.

muka dia macam sayang

i smiled.

mata macam b,” i said, seeing baby turning to look my way with eyes opened.

i was then given a whole hour to feed him after being taught how to.

after the whole event, as exhausted as i was, never have i felt as calm and in love with a baby.

finally, after all the suffering and sacrificing- there he was, visually in my arms, physically with me, the one i could call my own.

our own.

hidayat bin mohd hezry.


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